all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
