I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
