we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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