I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
