mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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