i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
