I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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