phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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