SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
