I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My liver just broke up with me...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
