Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She's not a foreskin expert like you
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
