I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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