I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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