tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
