girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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