What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
