The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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