we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
