You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
