I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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