Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
