the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
