He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
