So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
