I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
