Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
