Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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