Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
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