So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I did not marry a roomba.
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