we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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