I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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