he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
