dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
