I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
