After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
