At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
