Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
