I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
