That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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