I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
