I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
