I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
