I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
