i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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