I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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