1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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