I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
