Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
