My room smells like vodka and shame
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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