I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
